30/7/2025.
I did the thing. The page is made(It's bad, but it's there). The premise of this page is, that I'll write whatever comes to mind, since i feel that I lack expression. Don't mind the shitty punctuation(I am aware of this fault). The intention is for this to get rambly and incoherent, since i just need to get my thoughts out quickly.
If anyone I know irl is reading, then get off! (I'm going to be extra cringy and less restrained)(piss off!)...
Just a random thought: the html thingy   totally is short for "enby space". I don't know what it actually is, but it is actually enby space...
The reason everything is in english, even though danish is my first language, and no one is going to see this anyway, is because I primarily think in english, and everything I consume(almost) is in english.
It's a crazy day today. I went to a family thing for most of the day, I did a thing on the website, I bought a thing,, that i hopefully fix my bitch ass PC with, I "organised"(heavy quotes) going to the beach to drink with my friends and perhaps most crazy of all I've not seen a single youtube video yet today, and theres only an hour till midnight.
04/8/2025 03:03
From now on I will have time of day beside the date. I started this thing, and then I immediately neglected it. If you know me personally, that really shouldn't be a shock. I don't really know what commitment issues are, but if it means: having issues committing, then i suffer from commitment issues a lot. Every time i start something meant to be a longer project, I ditch the project right at the start. Most of the time I'll give up as soon as I've had a good idea, because I know myself well enough to know, that I'll abandon the project if I were to start it. I suspect, that this behaviour is in large part rooted in how i was raised, but yet I feel not quite dissapointed in myself, seeing as I don't really have expectations of success, but I do see it as a faliure of my character, which makes me unconfident, and rightfully so seeing as I can't truly say, that I'm able to rely on myself. I firmly believe that I'd fare better given control of my own life rather than being held back by the pressures of family. Being property sucks. The liberation of the kid is something, I often see overlooked and played down also within communist spaces. I personally really dislike the idea of kids and of having kids, seeing as they are by nature of the modern family opressed. Having children is tough predicament, and as such I gravitate torwards feeling uncomfortable around people who have chosen to become parents.
I fear that this is the peak of my life, which is scary because I don't particularly antagonise death. That being said I don't seek out death, though perhaps i romaticise it somewhat. I believe death to be truly neutral, seing as emotions cannot be felt from within it regardless of their quality(no emotions good or bad). Death offers not sadness and complete security at the cost of potential happiness. I have big happiness in my life in the form of interactions with my friends, though to outrule suffering as a factor in my life would be foolish. My life mainly cosists of emotionlessly watching youtube, which I'd describe as a slight possitive, because of it's function as a source of knowledge and escapism in the face of being the kid of parents. I started writing tonight, because I wanted to write about sleep deprivation. My tendency to sleep for subpar amounts of time has been a positive in my life in some ways, because it has helped replace sadness with emptyness, and it has made me less restrained, thereby allowing myself to further my relations. Sleep deprivation has however negatives as well, the prime thing for me being an inability to focus, granted that was never something, I excelled at. At times i wonder whether I have ADD or ADHD, and I can't tell if I'm overplaying common experiences, actually have one of the things or if I just have similar symptoms because of my insufficient sleep.
I changed my hair, which is cool. Anyway I should head to sleep.
18/8/2025 10:26
Yep, I'm typing again. It's only been 10 days, but it feels like I've been "needing" to write for a while. For once I'm not writing in the middle of the night. Instead I'm writing in my danish class, because I'm out of things i can bother doing. I've been at "efterskole" for a week now, and as of so far I've been enjoying it, especially because I'm not around my parents. I think the fact that I started drinking like 2 months ago has changed my life to be significantly better. I feel relieved of a bunch of stress and angst. It's a bit weird to be writing this journal thingy around a bunch of people, even though i doubt that anyone is looking at this mess.
20/8/2025 09:01
Today I will probably write something similar to 2 days ago. I'm once again sitting in the same spot, this time I'm being tested for english instead however. I've been neglecting my anki for a while now, and I think, I have almost 400 cards due, so thats not optimal. I feel that i can't write as well in the morning, as I can in the night, though I haven't read back my previous entries, so I wouldn't actually know. This weekend I'm going back to my city, to be with my girlfriend whose birthday was just recent, I'll also be drinking with some friends. I miss alcohol. I miss the safety and deniability it gives. Don't get me wrong, I don't do anything wrong really, I just limit myself too much normally, and alcohol helps me be less restrained.
My english has been evaluated, and I've been placed in the highest tier of classes, hvich is nice i guess. I don't really like the pressure to perform, but on the other hand I do want to be as prepared as possible for further education. I haven't listen to nearly as much music as I usually do, since I got to efterskole, and I miss it, though it means, I've got more to do. I've noticed, that I get bored over youtube much easier, than I used to, which kinda sucks.
20/9/2025 20:22
I am now single.
I am now untied. I do not intend to be freaky beyond my norm or anything of the sort, but I now no longer have productive responsibility. I don't think, that I did particularly well with the responsibility, that I bestowed opun myseslf. I am free of a pressure as well as a joy. I believe, that this course of action has been a positive one.
This past month and a bit has been more powerful than i thought, it would be. I've been quite disconnected, from everyone I've known for my entire life til this point. At the same time I've become connected to a new cast of people. The first some weeks of efterskole were really amazing for me, but as the cange settles, and I become less sensational, I feel lonely, in the same sense I have for the rest of time.
I am a product of capitalism, and I find that very visible in my behaviour. I am afraid of people, of dependance and of intimacy. I don't crave intimacy, but I'm clearly affected negatively from lack of it. I cannot exist in a vacuum. I feel, as though I should be distraught or at least more upset after the breakup. The media has made me think I'm broken. I think, that I act like those people in shows and movies who are pretending to be unbothered, whilst they're actually very sad, except I am not hiding anything. I am not trying to be nonchalant.
I've been eating somewhat significantly more than I'm used to. I don't know why I'm worried. It's not as though, I'm content with my body and am trying to protect it from change, nor am I moving torwards a goal of a slimmer body. I can't imagine ever being happy to live in my body regardless of it's characteristics. I'm living in learnt paranoia of losing something I never held dear. I'm bothered by valueless shame, fear and anguish. I have no purpose of life. I'm without such spirituality. All my goals are rooted in shaping my life. A life I wouldn't mind being discarded. My goals are nothing but cope. I am an edgy little bitch. Wtf is wrong with me? I promise this is typical behaviour and not related to the breakup.
25/9/2025 10:21
I am suddenly tired. I've written some pieces of poetry, that I'm fairly happy about, so I might add a new page for non-journal writings, though the writings are in Dansih.
Caffein has become a somewhat substancial crutch for me, and perhaps the reason I'm suddenly so exhausted is the caffein crash, from the espresso I drank this morning.
There's so much time left in the school day, and I'll be supposed to write in all of it. I am a "good" student. I do pretty much what I'm supposed to, and we are permittet to take breaks, but I feel at conflict regardles. I want to do my anki. I want to not just get a decent grade in French, but also understand the language to a casual degree. I feel my French is embassing, even though I'm one of those better at French in my class. French class is a joke. French was a fairly good subject in 9th grade, because my teacher was great, but now I've got a new teacher, who teaches at a very inconsistent level and treat us, as if we were little kids. I am confident that I've learnt the majority of the French I know from my own engagement outside of school.
I dyed my har black, but it's very unhomogenised. I don't think I'll redye, maybe messy is okay. I've wanted to dye my hair black for a while. I am now officially in my emo "phase". "muuum, I'ts not just a phase!" I would never say that to my mother. I hate her so much.